Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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