We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
