there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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