Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
