my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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