I cockslap morals
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
