Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
