The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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