If that was your dad, he is hot
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We need to get me chipped asap
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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