Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
