Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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