Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
