5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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