i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
last night I used snow as a chaser
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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