Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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