If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
