Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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