I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
