I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
