your parents love me but you hate me
we have pet lesbian snakes
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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