How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
