Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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