Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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