girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
