Soap is not a condiment
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
