I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How external is "for external use only"?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
