I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
