the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Less talking, more tequila
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
