My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
