I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
