I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And then he peed in my hair
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