So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
