I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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