I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
