Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
