so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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