I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
