So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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