if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
