I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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