If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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