life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
