My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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