her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
