i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
