Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
