It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
