I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
