Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
MIDGETS
????
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
