If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
